


Nobody'd Even Notice at All

by FredAndGinger, SpinalBaby



Series: This is a Heinous Night [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Buckle up, Drug Use, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, bros, everything is kind of awful, its a long road, jake is a bro, jk we're like 1/3 the way there, michael is having a real bad time, rich is also a bro, so this is the recovery!, we all know michael smokes pot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 04:52:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12904473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FredAndGinger/pseuds/FredAndGinger, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpinalBaby/pseuds/SpinalBaby
Summary: “Do, um… do you want to talk about it?” Jake asked eventually. Michael looked at the floor and shook his head.Silence.After Halloween Michael tries to get over what happened to him, but it's harder than he thought it would be.





	1. Chapter 1

“Did you want to call your parents?” The nurse in the waiting room of the ER asked, taking in Michael’s dazed appearance. He’d been given a once-over by a doctor already, but he knew that Rich and Jake were probably a higher priority at the moment. 

As he pulled out his phone, Michael wondered what his parents would say. He’d walked to the party, lying about going to Jeremy’s, so at least they wouldn’t have to pick up his car. He’d known he would get drunk. 

_God, why did I get drunk? That was so stupid. Maybe if I wasn’t so drunk I could have gotten out or…_

“Michael?” his dad asked. Michael winced, he’d hoped it would be his mom, she’d be less mad that he went to a party, “What’s going on? Did you forget something?” 

“Yeah, uh, did you hear about the fire?” Michael asked, going to awkwardly rub the back of his neck and wincing as he brushed his bruises. He hoped his dad couldn’t hear how wrecked his voice was. 

“At the Dillingers’ place? We can hear the sirens a block away. You weren’t over there, were you?” He sounded concerned. Michael hated making his parents worry. 

“Yeah, um. I’m really sorry, but I’m at the hospital right now and--” 

“You’re not hurt are you?” His father demanded, worry clear in his voice. Michael heard shuffling from the other end of the phone and he knew his dad was pulling his coat on. 

“Uh, I actually kind of was? And I don’t have my insurance card and… can you please come here?” He asked, tears welling up in his eyes. He wanted his parents there, even if he didn’t want to tell them what happened. He wanted their comfort. He sniffled, willing the tears back, “Can you bring mom too?” 

“What happened? Did you get burned?” His father asked. Michael could hear a hurried conversation on the other end, his mother asking what was going on. Michael was about to answer, but his name was called. 

“I’ve got to go, the doctor’s ready for me and I don’t want to keep him waiting.” Michael said, before ending the call. He was taken into another room, where the medical staff poked and prodded at his bruises and wrapped up his bleeding head better than the EMTs had. 

They took him into another room, leaving him to change and sit on the bed. Michael felt too exposed in the shitty hospital gown, he wanted to go home, wanted his hoodie, wanted to be anywhere but _here_. Once alone, Michael let out a choked noise, almost a sob, and buried his face in his hands. 

“Are you alright?” 

Michael’s head snapped up. Jake Dilinger, of all people, was sitting there, holding up the curtain that had been offering Michael a false sense of privacy. Michael quickly scrubbed at his non-injured eye, trying to will away the tears that had begun their slow trickle down his face. 

“I’m fine,” he said, “what about you?” 

He hoped his voice came across as casual. Jake seemed to be buying it. 

“I broke my legs. But like, I’m high as _balls_ right now, so it doesn’t even hurt that bad.” Jake said, a lazy smile overtaking his face. 

“How’d you break your legs?” Michael asked, pulling the blanket from the bed and wrapping it around himself as best he could. He winced whenever he moved, his whole body felt sore, but the blanket helped. 

“I jumped off the roof.”

“Oh.” Michael said. He sniffled hard, trying not to cry in front of the most popular person in his grade, but that only sent him into a coughing fit. His lungs burned, his throat burned. Why was life so painful? 

“Jesus Christ,” Jake said, moving like he wanted to help him. He was basically in traction though, so there was no way he was getting up, “I’m… I’m so sorry you got hurt. Rich started the fire, but if I hadn’t had that party you’d be alright right now.” 

Michael looked up in surprise, _why does he care?_

“It’s fine. I… what happened wasn’t your fault.” Michael told him. Jake shook his head and opened his mouth again, as if to apologize more, but a nurse breezed in and elegantly closed the curtains on his face. 

“Michael Mell,” she said, reading from his chart, “I need to ask you a few questions about what happened. Do you need me to take you to a separate room?”

Michael shook his head. He didn’t care if Jake heard his bullshit story. He told the nurse about how he left the house, trying to keep it as true as possible, skipping the whole part where he could have escaped sooner, could have left right when he smelled smoke, but he’d hesitated.

“Do you want a rape kit?” She asked. Her voice was quieter for this question, but it still rang through the room. Michael’s heart stopped. 

“N-no.” He stuttered. She nodded, scribbled something on the chart.

“According to your chart, you had quite a lot to drink. You couldn’t have given consent in your situation, are you sure?” She asked. Michael swallowed hard. 

“I’m sure,” he paused, “Can you, um… not tell my parents? About that?” 

She looked at him. He could see her formulating a tragic backstory for him in her head. She nodded. “Of course.” 

The nurse swept out of the room a moment later. Michael glanced up at the curtain. It hadn’t moved. Maybe Jake was too high to comprehend it, maybe she had spoken too quietly for him to hear. 

The curtain pulled back an inch. Jake peeked out at him. 

“Do, um… do you want to talk about it?” Jake asked eventually. Michael looked at the floor and shook his head. 

Silence. 

“That’s fucked up, Mell. Is that… is that how you got?” Michael looked up to see Jake gesturing at his own face. Michael gingerly touched his black eye, almost swollen shut. 

“Yeah.” He said, his voice barely more than a whisper.

“Did… did they do that to you because you’re gay? That’s so fucked up, dude. That’s like a hate crime, you should report it.” Jake said. 

“No! No, I- it wasn’t- just. I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” Michael said, looking anywhere but at Jake. 

“Okay.” Jake said. There was another silence. “I’m sorry that happened at my party.” 

“Jake, for the love of god…” Michael said, trying to sound annoyed. He sounded choked up instead and he cursed himself as tears started to run down his face again. 

“Okay, okay, I’ll be quiet.” Jake said, holding his hands up in a mock surrender. Michael bit back a sob that was rising in his chest, reaching over for the shitty tissues that the hospital kept by all the beds and wiping his face as dry as he could. 

Michael’s parents chose then to walk in, taking in the scene. His mom rushed to his side, fretting over him. 

“ _Dayong_ , what’s wrong? What happened? Do you hurt?” She asked, running her fingers through his hair. Michael swallowed hard, her concern made him feel like a real person again. 

“Mom, I’m too old for you to call me that.” He said, though he buried his face in her shoulder when she hugged him. 

“You’ll always be my _dayong_ , Michael.” She countered, kissing his forehead. His father put a hand on his shoulder. 

“What happened, _hijo_?” He asked, concern clear on his face, “We won’t be mad.”

“I went to the party and I was really drunk, and the fire was everywhere, so I fell down the stairs on the way out.” Michael told them, messing with the blankets so that he didn’t have to look at them. 

“I heard the stairs collapsed,” his father said, “I was so worried…” 

“Yeah, they collapsed pretty much after I was done falling down them.” Michael said, forcing a bitter laugh. It sounded all wrong. “Right, Jake?” 

It was the ultimate test. If Jake was going to crack, Michael wanted it to be now rather than later. He tried to convey this with his eyes, but Jake was really too high to focus. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I couldn’t get down the stairs after that, me and Rich had to jump off the roof.” Jake said, “Michael got out just in time, I guess.” 

Michael’s parents nodded along to Jake’s story. He looked like he wanted to say more, but Michael shot him a look. Jake shut his mouth and drew the curtain, giving the family a little privacy. 

Before long, someone came in to ask about insurance. Michael’s dad got up to go fill out the papers. Michael realized that this was the perfect opportunity to talk to Jake, alone, but didn’t want his mom to stop running her hands through his hair, didn’t want to stop feeling secure. He knew he’d have to face the real world eventually though, and he didn’t want that real world to be one where Jake told he got raped at a party. 

“Hey mom, can you get me some tea from the machine? It’s really cold in here…” Michael asked, putting on his best I-want-to-stay-home-from-school-sick voice. His voice was a wreck, so it wasn’t hard. 

“Of course,” she cooed, getting up, “I’ll be right back.”

As soon as she left the room, Michael struggled to get up and limped over to Jake, pulling back the curtain. 

“Listen up, Dillinger. We don’t have a lot of time and I need you to understand me, you can _not_ tell anyone what you heard.” Michael said. Jake looked bewildered.

“What? Why would I tell anyone _that_?” He asked, “That’s really personal, man.”

“I’m not talking about the other kids at school, dude. I mean _anyone_. Not your parents, or my parents, or a teacher, or like a counselor, or anything!” Michael’s quiet voice took a harsh tone, “I am a loser, you are the most popular kid in the school! Even if I denied whatever you tell people, they’d still believe you over me every time! And I don’t need that right now, I can’t _deal_ with that right now. So I need you to promise me, Jacob.”

“Dude, I promise!” Jake said, holding his hands up in mock surrender, “Do you need me to pinky swear?” 

“You’re mocking me.” Michael said, sniffling as he crossed his arms. 

“No, I’m totally serious. A pinky swear is sacred, dude. You cannot break the bond of a pinky swear.” Jake said, offering his pinky, “Or at least, that’s what Rich says.” 

Michael reached out and hooked their pinkies together. Jake shook their joined hands like a handshake. The pact was sealed. 

“Michael, what are you doing out of bed?” 

Michael turned to see his mom balancing four cups in her arms. He limped back to his bed under her disapproving gaze. 

“You can talk to your friend later,” she said to him, before turning to Jake, “Here sweetie, I’m so sorry about what happened.” 

She offered him a cup of tea. Jake looked like he might crack and break the pinky swear. His bottom lip quivered. 

“Thank you so much, Mrs. Mell.” He said, holding the warm cup to his chest, “I’ll treasure this.” 

Michael’s mom looked at him in confusion. Michael shrugged, taking his own cup from her. 

“They have him on a _lot_ of painkillers.” 

…

When Michael was finally discharged, and his parents left him alone, he took the opportunity to take a bath and soak his aching body and clean up before he went to bed. He locked the bathroom door behind him, eyes slowly moving up to observe his surroundings. Never had he been so happy to see the ugly avocado green tiles of his bathroom in his life. It reminded him he wasn’t at Jake’s party, not in his bathroom. He was at home in his own bathroom, safe now. 

Michael slowly peeled off his singed clothing, careful to not make any sudden movements that made everything sting. When he finally finished undressing he looked across at himself in the full length mirror mounted on the door. He felt a sob coming up, but he choked it down. His eye, though less swollen, was still surrounded by nasty blues, purples, and some yellowish color as well. The hickeys Jeremy left were all so intentionally placed… it was like he knew all of Michael’s weak spots… everywhere he couldn’t fully hide them. The thing that sickened him the most though was looking at those handprints on his hips. Clawed bruises, deep purple and red- Jeremy’s hands did this.

Michael touched them lightly, ghosting his fingers over the bruises and letting out a soft sob. He couldn’t deal with this. He quickly turned the faucet on, hoping it would hide the sounds of him crying his guts out in the bathroom. Last time he hadn’t had that luxury. He gripped the edge of the sink, hanging his head low as he let out the tears. He cried for a long time before he finally stopped, taking some of the cool water in his hands and rinsing off his salty tear streaked face. He felt a little better now. Not much, but he felt like he could at least finish this bath and go to bed. And right at this moment that was all he could do anyways. 

…

Jake called after Michael as he was sneaking off campus to go to 7/11 for his daily slushie. For the past few days Jake had been hanging around him during passing periods and even limped over to his house two days ago to check up on him. Michael had thought it was absolutely ridiculous, especially since he had to walk on crutches for three blocks to get there, but he wasn’t exactly going to refuse the contact either. 

It was weird to talk to Jake, knowing that he was only hanging around him because of what happened at the party, but it was nice to talk to someone. Really nice. Michael had written off “human contact” when Jeremy stopped talking to him, but having someone to just bitch about math with was… really, really refreshing. 

So he stopped for Jake, watching as he struggled to walk faster with his crutches. Michael winced in sympathy. His own limp had just gone away Tuesday when he stopped feeling like something was raw and torn inside him, but those two days of walking around school had been hell. 

“What’s up?” He asked when Jake was close enough for them to have a real conversation without shouting at each other. 

“Dude, why are you so hard to get ahold of at lunch? Where do you go?” Jake asked, panting. Michael shrugged, stepping a little away from the other boy. Jake was one of those people who walked closer to people as he talked, almost running into them mid-conversation. This habit had only gotten worse with his crutches. 

“Seven-Eleven. I spend all my hard earned money on slushies and flirt with the girl behind the counter.” Michael said easily, shoving his hands in his pockets. Jake laughed. 

“Dude, you’re gay.” 

“She doesn’t know that.” 

Jake laughed. He was too close again. Michael stepped away. Normally he wouldn’t care so much, but it had been a long day and everyone had been so loud and close together. He didn’t want anyone in his personal bubble. He wanted to be alone, he wanted his sacred 45 minutes of convenience store alone time, where the girl behind the counter didn’t know and didn’t care if he was popular or if he had friends or if he got taken advantage of at a party by his best friend of twelve years. He craved anonymity. 

Jake was ruining that. 

“So what did you want?” Michael asked. He knew he was being rude, but Jake didn’t seem bothered. 

“Jenna told me that you might know where to get Mountain Dew Red? I went to take some flowers over to Rich the other day, but all he was talking about was Mountain Dew.” Jake said. 

_There was a lot to unpack there. First, Jake brings people flowers? A revelation. Second, shouldn’t he be mad at Rich? Rich burned down his house. Where was Jake even living?_

“Yeah, I know a guy at Spencer’s. He might have some in stock.” Michael said. They were almost to the store. Maybe Jake would leave once he got what he wanted. That’s what everyone did, lately. 

“Cool, can you ask for me?” Jake asked. They were walking through the parking lot. Michael moved away from Jake again, who had brushed against his arm. 

“Yeah, sure dude. I’ll do that today.” He said. He waited for Jake to leave. Jake followed him into the store. 

“Sweet, do you want to drive? Or I can have my mom drive us.” Jake said. Michael glanced at him in confusion. Since when had this become a joint venture? 

“Uh. I was just going to go by myself.” Michael admitted, “That’s what I always do.” 

“That’s lame,” Jake said, a little too close for Michael’s comfort at the slushie machine. He was getting the Coke flavored slushie, the heathen. “How am I supposed to pay for the Mountain Dew if I’m not there?” 

“I was just gonna pay for it myself.” Michael admitted, filling his slushie cup with red and blue. It made purple, his favorite flavor. He set it on the counter in front of his favorite cashier and she keyed it in. 

“Super lame. We can hang out or something. Dude, we can go to Sbarro's!” Jake said excitedly, setting his slushie on the counter and handing the girl his card before Michael could fish his change out of his pocket. 

She rung up both the drinks, “Aw, is this that guy you’re always talking about?” she cooed. Normally Michael would have bantered with her about that, but this time he just shook his head, looking at the ground. 

Another reason Michael had taken to going to 7/11 lately was so that he didn’t have to see Jeremy. He was late to every class, avoiding his former best friend. And the worst part was that he knew Jeremy couldn’t even see him, couldn’t even begin to fathom what he was going through. He shivered. 

“Thanks, Emily.” He said when she handed him the slushie. He held it, feeling cold and wishing he’d gotten a coffee or something instead. He felt cold a lot, lately. Why else would he be shivering so much?

They walked towards the exit. Michael’s nerves felt frayed. For the past week this place had been his safe haven and now it felt ruined, uncomfortable, all because Jake wouldn’t just _leave him alone_. 

“Are you okay?” Jake asked once they’d successfully exited the store. He bumped into him with his shoulder. Michael flinched away, before glaring up at him. 

“Back off, Jake. Just… I need a minute alone, man. I can’t just- You just…” He couldn’t articulate his thoughts, couldn’t tell Jake how his whole day depended on that short amount of time he got to be _not_ Michael Mell: School Loser. Jake couldn’t possibly get it. 

“What-?” Jake asked. They were stopped on the sidewalk. Michael was so mad he wanted to throw his slushie, he wanted punch something, he wanted to curl up in a ball in the middle of the sidewalk and _die_. 

“It-it’s too much, man! School, the mall, _you_... I can’t do it!” Michael back the panic rising in his chest. “I-I thought I could deal with this, but… I can’t just pretend all day, Jake. I need time, I need a _break_!” 

“What do you mean?” Jake asked. He took a step forward and Michael took a step back, stepping on the grass of someone’s front lawn. 

“I can’t talk about this _here_! I need… I want to go _home_. I want to pretend none of this _ever happened_. I-I can’t-!” Michael looked down at the slushie in his hands, but it was blurred by his tears. He tried to focus on it, tried to reign in his uncooperative feelings. 

“Is he okay?” Michael heard. It was Brooke’s voice. Great, another popular kid got to see him break down. 

“Yeah, it’s just like PTSD from the fire or something.” Jake said. It sounded so convincing. Michael looked up, only to see concern plain on her face. He wanted to curl up into himself and die. 

“Oh man. Do you want me to tell the office you can’t come in?” She asked. Jake looked at Michael. He nodded gratefully, not trusting himself to speak. 

“Yeah, tell them I can’t come in either.” Jake said, “I’ll make sure he gets home.” 

Brooke nodded, “Feel better, Michael!” 

Michael didn’t think she knew his name, but he was too busy trying to hold back a panic attack to really worry about it at the moment. After a moment of choked hyperventilation, Jake gingerly set a hand on his shoulder. He flinched. Jake retracted the hand so that it hovered, just an inch above his shoulder, as if asking permission. 

Michael relaxed. Jake set the hand down on his shoulder. They stood there for a moment in silence as Michael tried to keep his calm. 

“Can you walk?” Jake asked. Michael let out a broken laugh, was _Jake_ really asking that?

“Yeah,” he said, “Yeah, I can.” 

“Cool. Do you think you can drive?” 

Michael hesitated. “I think I can when we get back to the car.” 

“Good enough.” Jake said, and they slowly started back, walking in silence. Michael’s breathing evened out as they walked and they got to his PT Cruiser faster than he thought they would. He started the car while Jake struggled into it. 

Michael had the music on in the car, filling the awkward silence. His hands were still shaking on the wheel as he pulled out. Thankfully he didn’t live to far from the school. 

“Where do you want me to drop you off?” Michael asked, breaking the long silence. The tremor in his voice was almost unnoticeable. Almost. 

“Can I come in with you? Your mom has, like, a killer tea collection…” Jake said. Michael knew he was full of shit, but he nodded anyways. As much as he’d just said he wanted to be alone, he wanted to talk to Jake in private. He probably needed to talk to someone. 

Michael pulled the car into the driveway and stared blankly at the garage door for a moment. He didn’t want to go inside, didn’t want to have this conversation, but he _needed_ to. He got out of the car. 

Michael made tea for the both of them and they brought the steaming cups to Michael’s basement room, where two beanbags sat in front of the TV, like a reminder, like an accusation. Jake sat unceremoniously on one. Michael sat in his desk chair. 

“So…” Jake said, holding his tea, “What was that all about?” 

Michael sighed, running a hand through his hair, “I, um. I’m sorry for freaking out, man. I appreciate that you’re trying to be nice and all, but. I’m just super fucked up right now.” 

“Yeah, no kidding. Have you told Jeremy? I mean, I know you two are fighting, and I’m still kind of mad at him for trying to get with Chloe at my party, but I think he’d be here for you.” Jake asked. 

Hearing Jeremy’s name was like a knife to the heart. How did Jake even know they were fighting, anyways? Was he really a topic of gossip? 

“N-no, um… I don’t, uh… I don’t really want to talk about it with him.” Michael said, floundering, “I don't really want to talk about it with anyone, but… you’re here and you _know_ so I guess you deserve an explanation.” 

Jake shrugged. Michael didn’t know what that meant. There was a moment of silence. 

“I’ve just been so… scared lately, man.” Michael confessed to his tea. He knew Jake was looking at him and he wasn’t sure he could deal with that, “And it’s stupid, I know _who_ did it and _why_ and I don’t have to worry about it happening again because it _won’t_ , but… I’ve been shaking all the time. I’m afraid everyone at school will find out and… I just, that’s really- I just don’t want that.” 

“I get it, man. That’s your personal business.” Jake agreed. Michael looked up to see him sipping his tea. He didn’t look judgemental at all. 

“And like, when you were walking all close to me? I’m on edge, man.” Michael continued, encouraged, “I know you don’t mean anything, but you were so _close_ and at school everyone is so _close_ to each other, and when I’m in public people keep wide personal bubbles from shady-looking brown kids in hoodies, you know? So I don’t have to worry about someone touching me and feeling like I’m back in that bathroom…”

“Society is really fucked up, man.” Jake said. Michael nodded. 

“So I’m really sorry I was mad, man. But like, Emily at Seven-Eleven doesn’t think I’m weird, doesn’t know I’m all fucked up, and it’s nice to pretend there, but you _know_ I am, and I need that alone time to recharge, you know? So I can get through the rest of the day. Like, if I get my weird purple slushie and I get to have a normal five minute conversation, maybe I don’t have to kill myself rather than go to math and have to _look_ at him and…” Michael was starting to hyperventilate again, so he cut himself off. A moment passed where they just listened to his ragged breathing. “I hate this.” 

“If, um… if you know who did it, why don’t you want to tell anyone?” Jake asked, “Like I get that you don’t want people to know, but I would totally beat him up for you or something.” 

Michael laughed bitterly, a tear streaking down his face. _If only it was that simple, Jake._

“I just… I can fix it on my own. It’s not… it’s not necessarily his fault, it’s just. It was a really fucked up situation…” Michael said, “But, it’s… it’s hard to have to look at him every day, you know?” 

“I don’t know how a situation can get that fucked up, but… I think I understand?” Jake said, his voice rising into a question, “And I’m here for you. I, um. I read up on the internet on how to try to help, but I guess that following you around wasn’t helping, huh?” 

“You read up on how to help me?” Michael asked, touched, “Jake, you don’t even do the readings for class.” 

“No one does the readings for class.”

_A fair point._

Michael nodded his agreement and sipped his tea. It was cool enough to drink at this point. They both drank in silence, but this one was far more comfortable than the previous one. 

“So…” Michael said when they were both done, “Want to head to the mall? We can hit up Sbarro’s after we get that Mountain Dew Red, but we have to stop at GameStop first. I want to look through their dollar bin.” 

…

Michael and Jake were in luck, the guy at Spencer’s had a whole six-pack of the stuff and Jake only took one home with him. Michael stashed the rest under his bed for a rainy day or something. 

About an hour later, he got a text. He opened it. It was from Jake. 

Hey, Rich is awake for real! He wants to talk to you.

_Oh god, why?_

He typed back, Me?

Yeah, he wants to talk about Jeremy

Ok, be there in 10

Michael slid the phone in his pocket and slipped on his shoes. He called a goodbye to his parents and ran out of the house before they could comment. 

Once at the hospital, Michael had no problem finding Rich’s room. He steeled himself and walked in. 

“Hey, Headphones!” Rich called. He had a lisp? Maybe he bit his tongue or something, “What’s up?” 

“Um, nothing?” Michael said, looking at Jake questioningly. Jake shrugged.

“He’s been talking about a supercomputer, but I’m not really sure what the fuck is going on. He said you know what he’s saying?” Jake said in a pleading tone. Michael relaxed. 

“Oh! The squip. Yeah, I know about that.” Michael said. He thought Rich somehow magically knew what had happened between him and Jeremy. 

He gave a brief account of how Jeremy got his squip and the extensive research he did on it. Jake kind of glazed over mid-way through, but Rich seemed interested. 

“So you’re saying Sony’s been designing them and we’d need to get an upgraded version every year if we don’t want to go crazy and burn down houses? Not cool, man.” Rich said. 

“I know right? But that might just be one of those conspiracy things.” Michael agreed, nodding. 

“So, not to get off topic, but what the hell happened to you? You look like hell, no offense.” Rich said. 

“Uh, I fell down the stairs.” Michael said. Jake looked uncomfortable. Boy, that kid was not used to lying. 

“Dude, you have a handprint around your neck.” Rich said. Michael adjusted the hood of his hoodie self-consciously. 

“Uh…”

“He got in a fight,” Jake said, saving the day, “Some douchebag beat him up because he’s gay.” 

“Yeah, totally.” Michael said, ready to latch onto any cover story. Rich looked extremely offended. 

“What the fuck? In this day and age? Who the fuck-?” 

“Michael doesn’t want to talk about it.” 

“Headphones, give me a name and I’ll-” 

“He doesn’t want to talk about it Rich, I tried.” Jake said. Rich looked up at him, pouting, “Don’t give me that look.”

“I’m fine, guys.” Michael said, holding up his hands, “Don’t worry about me.” 

“Not gonna happen, Mell.” Jake said, grinning. “You’re our friend now, dude.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I’m sorry.” He whispered._   
>  _“I know…” Michael said, holding himself. “I just wish you’d never bought that **thing**.”_
> 
>  
> 
> Michael and Jeremy talk.

Michael leaned against the wall by the door of the hospital room, his gaze fixed on the bed. Jeremy was there, having been unconscious for the past day and a half. He looked at peace in his coma-sleep. Michael envied him. 

He sighed as the heart monitor beeped, a constant sound in this place. He was really only here because he needed to check up on Jake (if that was true, why wasn’t he in Jake’s room?) because the popular teen was back in the hospital after fucking up his legs during the great Squip-Apocalypse. 

It’d been a rough couple of days. Mr. Here, of all people, had come to his house asking Michael for help and, well, he couldn’t exactly be like _“no, Mr. Here, I can’t help. Why? Well, your son ate a supercomputer and fucking raped me at a party”_ , could he? 

He knew now how to fix the problem, but he’d been waiting for Jeremy to be like Rich, waiting for him to go defective so that it would be easier to make him drink the Mountain Dew Red. That wasn’t an option though, since Jeremy decided to _brainwash the school_. 

He could still hear Jeremy’s voice breaking free from the squip, _”You came to see me in the play?”_

_No. No, I’ve been trying my hardest to not see you at all, really_. He’d thought. But then Jeremy was fighting him and he was clawing away from his former best friend, who was swearing up and down that the _Squip_ was controlling him, that it wasn’t him… 

And then, as they struggled through the hordes of students, Michael flinching every time someone brushed him, someone grabbed him, he threw the bottle to Jeremy, hoping that this wasn’t a repeat of before, throwing his last defence against these monsters, _trusting_ Jeremy… 

And _Jake_ was the one who was holding him down, trying to get him to eat a squip, and that _hurt_ , he was shaking just thinking about it… 

“Hey, Headphones, you doing okay?” 

Michael jumped, startled by Rich’s sudden presence. He must have come by to visit Jake too. 

“You know my name, Rich.” Michael said, burrowing back into his hoodie a little, willing his shivering to stop. Rich pulled up a chair next to Jeremy and kicked back, his feet resting comfortably on the bed. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Rich said, waving a hand of dismissal, “Details. Jake said you bailed on him to visit your _boyfriend_.” 

“He is _not_ my boyfriend!” Michael said, his voice sounding more raw than he meant it to. Rich looked at him, frowning. Michael took a deep breath, Rich was just teasing. Right. “I, uh, I’m gonna go get a coffee or something.” 

“I’ll be here.” Rich said, and Michael walked out. 

He walked to the vending area and grabbed a coffee, holding it in his hands as he tried to calm down. 

_Rich didn’t mean anything by that. It’s fine. He wrote boyf-riends on our backpacks **way** before any of this happened._

He sipped his coffee. It had cooled. He glanced at the clock. He’d been standing there for ten minutes. 

Michael made his way back to the hospital room, only to hear Rich talking to Jeremy. He paused, eavesdropping. 

“Yeah, he’s been here a couple times.” Rich said, “He actually just went to grab a coffee. What, are you two _dating_.” 

“ _No-_!” 

“Don’t worry, I’m totally bi now-” Rich was saying, but Michael couldn’t let this conversation happen, couldn’t let Jeremy let something slip. 

“Hey,” Michael said, slipping into the room. He took a few steps inside, feeling _too close_ despite the fact that everyone was at least a yard away from him. “You’re awake.” 

“Michael,” Jeremy said, looking at him. God, he was really _looking_ at him, “Michael, I’m _so sorry,_ I-” 

Michael could see tears welling in his former best friend’s eyes. He self-consciously touched the yellowing bruise around his eye. 

“Don’t-” Michael started, “Uh, please just don’t say-” 

Jeremy nodded, looking ready to agree to anything Michael asked him to do. It made Michael’s heart hurt, to see Jeremy like this, to be near him, to _feel bad for him_ when _he_ did this--

“Tell him what you found out about the squip!” Rich said, as if trying to break the tension. Michael could tell he was forcing his excited tone, but he didn’t want- he _couldn’t_ be here.

“I, uh. Rich, why don’t you tell him? Um, catch you later, Jeremy.” Michael said, backing out of the room. It took him all his self control to not _run_ to the restroom, but once there he knelt over the toilet and vomited, praying that no one could overhear him. 

He sat back when he was done, hyperventilating. He leaned against the stall door, trying to reign in his breathing, trying to stop the tears that were slipping down his face. 

_Why am I fucking crying so much?_ He scrubbed at his face, wiping away the offending tears, _I need to grow up._

Once he’d calmed down, he unlocked the door and went to the sink, rinsing his mouth out and splashing water on his face. He cleaned his glasses, there was nothing worse than dried salt on glasses, and looked in the mirror. 

He looked like hell, but by the time he got home his eyes shouldn’t be so red. Besides, his parents were out at work. He’d just text Jake that he was going home, it’d be fine.

With that in mind, Michael steeled himself and left the bathroom. 

… 

Michael was midway through a joint when he heard his front door open. He hastily put it out, cursing. 

_My parents shouldn’t be home…_ he thought, spraying a can of air freshener all around him. There was a knock on his door. 

“Just a second!” He yelled. 

“That’s cool,” came Jake’s voice from the other side of the door. Michael stopped trying to hide evidence of his illegal activities and climbed the stairs. 

“What’s up? I didn’t know you were discharged.” He asked, once he’d opened the door for Jake. Jake frowned. 

“Yeah Rich got me. Are you high right now?” He asked. Michael shrugged. 

“I was getting there. Do you want some?” 

“I don’t know man, they gave me some new pain meds... “

“You should be fine,” Michael said, leading him back down to the basement. He pulled out the ashtray with his half-smoked joint and relit it, “But I’m not gonna _make_ you smoke or anything.” 

Jake winced. Michael must have said something wrong. 

“Dude, about what happened at Midsummer, I’m so sorry…” He trailed off, as if looking for words, “I… I don’t know what came over me, I never would have grabbed you like that or tried to force you to-” 

“It’s fine.” Michael said, cutting him off, “I should be used to it by now.” 

“Dude, that’s really fucked up-” 

“I mean, I should be used to squip bullshit.” Michael said, covering for himself, “I shouldn’t have flipped out so bad.” 

It was true, the only reason Jake hadn’t been able to get Michael to eat a squip was because he was shaking and crying and screaming and fighting against him. Jake had needed to clamp a hand over his mouth rather than pry it open. 

“No, you were smart!” Jake protested, “You were the only one who didn’t get squipped!” 

“Yeah, sure.” Michael said placatingly, “Smart.” 

There was a silence. Michael took a long drag from his joint, held it, and released, filling the air between them with smoke. 

“Uh, Rich told me what happened with Jeremy.” Jake said. Michael felt his heart stop. Had Rich figured it out? Did Rich know? He put the joint back to his lips so that he wouldn’t have to answer, taking another drag. “Did you, uh, did you want to tell him what happened?” 

“No, I don’t.” Michael said, relieved that Jake didn’t think Jeremy did it. “But we probably should talk about it, huh?” 

“Yeah. He’s your best friend! I can’t imagine not telling Rich…” Jake trailed off, “Are you doing alright man?” 

“Now I am.” Michael said, taking another lazy drag. He looked at Jake, who was fidgeting awkwardly. It was weird to see a popular kid so far out of his element. “Why do you care, though?” 

“What?” Jake asked. 

“Why do you care so much? I’m nothing to you, you don’t have to, like, pretend to care for me out of pity or whatever. I know I don’t have any friends at school aside from Jeremy, but that doesn’t mean you _have_ to be here.” Michael said.

Jake looked offended. That was odd.

“Dude, what the fuck do you mean ‘ _pretend to care_ ’? I’m your friend!” 

“But like, why? You never talked to me until I got fucking raped at your party.” Michael said, venom lacing his voice. Jake physically recoiled. Michael didn’t take it back. 

“We were friends in elementary though! And you’re a cool guy, I just never… noticed, is all. I know it’s weird that we’re friends after that, but we _are_ and I like hanging out with you even if you’re being…” Jake said, but stopped. He frowned, “No, that’s not the right wording. I know you’re having problems, but I still value you as a friend.” 

Michael laughed, but it sounded hollow. “More internet research?” 

“You know it.” Jake said, grinning hopefully at him, “I care, dude. _Rich_ cares. We’re just looking out for you. Hell, Rich thought that Jeremy was the one who ‘beat you up’ because of what happened in the hospital, but that… that can’t be right…” 

Jake trailed off as if he was thinking. _A dangerous thing_.

“Yeah, I’m going to talk to Jeremy about it tomorrow,” He said, hoping to distract Jake without actually _lying_ about it. Jake nodded. 

“That’s good. Now, uh, can you grab me some of that tea? Last time I made it…” 

“You nearly burned my house down too. I know, I was there.” 

… 

Jeremy took a deep breath before knocking on Michael’s door. He’d gotten the text he’d been scared of, yet waiting for: We need to talk. Those four little words could make his guts twist into uncomfortable shapes he didn’t quite know were possible. Still, Michael was right. They needed to talk. He’d seen the way Michael looked at him at the hospital- how he couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as him. Jeremy didn’t blame him at all. 

Michael answered the door, opening it wide so Jeremy could walk around him and into the house without brushing against him. It made Jeremy wince, Michael looked uncomfortable already. 

“Hey- uh, should I just go downstairs, or?” Jeremy avoided looking Michael in the eyes. Especially since that yellowing bruise and cuts were still there. Even the ring around his neck still peeked out from the collar of his hoodie. They were a constant reminder of what he’d done- him, with his own hands, own body...

“Yeah.” Michael said, following Jeremy down into the basement. 

Everything looked relatively the same. A little messier than usual, but the same. The game consoles looked virtually untouched, as well as the beanbags in front of them which had been dragged apart several feet. 

Jeremy slowly took a seat, staring at the ground. Michael kicked his beanbag away a little further before he sat down as well. He wanted to say something, but he was at a loss for words. How did you tell your best friend of twelve years that you swallowed a supercomputer to become cool, let it convince you to ditch the one guy who had had your back through thick and thin- and then just _watched_ as it controlled your body and made you rape him? How the fuck did that even make any sense?

“So. You almost took over the whole school.” Michael said, looking up at Jeremy. He looked like he was searching for answers. Jeremy hoped he could provide them, it was the very least he could do.

“Yeah… yeah I did. The Squip… it uh… it wanted to align everyone’s desires with mine… so that way Christine would like me. It was a horrible idea… I mean, when I first got the Squip it connected with Rich right away and our desires aligned and synced. Then we were friends. Mine tried to convince me everybody else wanted- no _needed_ that kind of help too. I fucked up and gave one to Jenna… And then suddenly everyone just had one and I tried to stop it but-” Jeremy stopped, looking Michael in the eyes. Michael looked like he was in pain. “Then you saved me and everyone. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t come.”

Jeremy reached out, noticing Michael’s hand was on the floor. If he could just touch it- reassure Michael just what he meant to him. Michael saw his movement, jerking his hand away. It stung, but he should have expected that.

**You should have. Why would he want _you_ to _touch_ him after everything that’s happened?**

The Squip’s voice was weak, like a whisper in the back of his head but Jeremy knew it was right about this.

“I-“ Jeremy started, trying to think of what to say next, “It- it controlled me sometimes. It’d just take over my body and my _voice_ and it made me do things-“ Jeremy knew he sounded like an idiot. He felt like one too, “… Are you okay?” He asked, voice soft and guilty.

Michael made a noise of disbelief. Jeremy internally winced, but he kept a straight expression. He deserved whatever was coming, he had to just accept it. He could tell Michael needed to let it out- he’d probably been bottling everything up since the party… and Jeremy had just abandoned him to go be _popular_.

“Am I _okay_?” Michael laughed, voice cracking a bit. “No, Jeremy, I’m not okay, sorry if that makes you feel bad. Look at my fucking face, my neck! I’ve got bruises everywhere, everything hurts- my fucking head hurts, I had to get new glasses and I could hardly walk straight for a week! I got fucking _raped_ by my _best friend_!” Michael choked on a sob. Jeremy wanted to do something or say something to comfort him but… he had nothing.

“Then the fucking house started on _fire_! I almost stayed there- I didn’t want to leave, Jeremy. I could hardly walk or see! And then I got out and I saw Jake break his legs… And Rich was all burned up and screaming.” Michael’s voice was wrecked, and he laughed bitterly before continuing, “It couldn’t even end at the hospital, because no, the nurse had to ask me in front of the most popular guy in the whole school if I wanted to have a rape kit ran- the guy who’s best friend is the same person who fucking bullied us relentlessly for the past year!”

Michael broke off with another sob. Jeremy opened his mouth, to say something, anything, but Michael turned a glare on him. He closed his mouth. 

“And then I had to go back to school and pretend like it was fine, even though I wasn’t, and everyone _knew_ I wasn’t. Jake wouldn’t give me any space and everyone was always staring at me wondering ‘Wow, what happened to him? He sure looks like shit.’” Michael took a deep breath, hardly having stopped for air. 

Jeremy had sunk into his beanbag, holding himself, looking away. God, he’d put Michael through so much… He couldn’t look at him anymore, couldn’t look at the damage he’d caused.

“Then you almost Squip the whole school and your dad was all like ‘Michael I need your help, you’re best friends, he’ll listen to you!’. Oh, I don’t know if we even are friends anymore Mr. Heere, but sure I’ll go save your son because he swallowed a supercomputer pill and decided he was too cool for me!” Michael continued, and Jeremy looked back at him, pained. He didn’t know his _father_ had gone to talk to him. 

“And then the fucking _play_. Everyone was grabbing me- you fucking tried to fight me and seriously tell me that the Squip was doing it? Do you think that made it any better, Jeremy? Do you think it made it any better when you were talking to Christine and _Jake_ was trying to force a Squip into my mouth and how he was on top of me-“ Michael stopped, sounding like he had more to say, but instead he just buried his face in his hands, crying.

“Michael- oh god… I’m so sorry, for everything. I just, I know sorry isn’t enough but-“ He flinched when Michael shouted at him.

“Of course it’s not enough! I don’t want your apology, Jeremy! If I’d have known you wanted to do _that_ to me… that you thought it was somehow ‘aligning our desires’... you don’t know me at all! It’s just all so fucked up. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel about it all. Should I have reported you? Took the rape kit? You were my best friend- my only friend and you- you…”

“Oh my god.” Jeremy covered his mouth, the realization dawning on him, the Squip worked to align things with his desires… Michael thought- no. No, that was all wrong, he would have never wanted that to happen. He needed Michael to know that he _never_ wanted that. 

“Michael- I’d never. _Never_. The Squip- it- it knew you weren’t going to just give up on me. It said you were getting in the way of my chance with Christine- maybe it even knew you could get the Mountain Dew Red, but it knew you were dangerous to it… That’s why it made me… do that. I wanted you to get out of the bathroom- to leave me alone and stop making me feel guilty but I had no idea that the Squip was going to do that! I would have never ever- Michael you _are_ my best friend… I would have never tried to hurt you like that… I never wanted to do that to you- it wasn’t my desire or aligning ours or anything like that. I wish I could have done something to stop it.”

Jeremy looked at Michael, who seemed to be thinking on everything that Jeremy had just been saying. He didn’t look as angry though, just sad and confused. The Squip had manipulated him and hurt him so badly… and it was all Jeremy’s fault.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“I know…” Michael said, holding himself. “I just wish you’d never bought that _thing_.”

…

Jeremy left soon after. There wasn’t really much left to say and neither of them wanted to try to hang out like before, at least not that day. Michael held the door open when Jeremy left and, at the last second, called after him. 

“Hey, see you later, man.”

Jeremy looked back, seemingly surprised at Michael’s casual goodbye. Michael tried to offer him a smile and he wasn’t sure if he succeeded. 

“Yeah, uh, dude. See you Monday.” Jeremy said, waving awkwardly before he got into his car. Michael sighed. It was progress. 

Michael proceeded to spend the next hour sobbing so hard he felt like throwing up, letting all the emotion he’d (barely) contained and covered with rage out. It was progress. 

As a reward for this progress, Michael decided that getting high in his basement was probably the best option at the moment. He’d been smoking a _lot_ lately, every minute he was home alone he was probably high so he could tamp down the panic he felt welling in his chest every waking moment.

Michael felt his phone buzz. _Huh, Jake wanted to talk_. He heard his front door open and knock on the basement door. _Must be Jake_. He crawled up the stairs _since when were they this long?_ and fumbled with the lock, eventually getting it to open to a stressed-out looking Jake Dillinger. 

“Heeey, Jake.” Michael said, grinning despite himself. Weed was a powerful drug. “What’s up?” 

“Dude, are you high _again_?” Jake asked, moving past him to walk down to the basement. Michael followed after, careful to keep a healthy distance between them. 

“I’m a _stoner_ , Dillinger. That’s kind of in the job description.” 

_Besides, if my eyes are red from the smoke you won’t be able to tell I was crying_

“I don’t know, _Mell_ , this seems like it’s getting a little unhealthy.” Jake said. Michael scoffed. 

“There was plenty of pot at your party!” He said. Jake looked stricken, “No, not… I’m not saying pot had anything to do with what happened? I’m just calling you a hypocrite right now.” 

Jake nodded and sat down on the beanbag Jeremy had previously been occupying. Michael sank down onto his own. Jake gave him a look and Michael figured he deserved it, no matter how many times they’d hung out at his place over the past few weeks, Michael had never sat on the beanbag.

“Michael,” Jake said after a long moment of silence, “Jeremy raped you at the party, didn’t he?” 

Michael paused, joint up to his lips but not inhaling. There was a beat of silence. “What makes you say that?” 

“It… it’s the only logical… Rich saw how you two were in the hospital and… Jesus, Michael. He really did, didn’t he?” Jake asked at the end, looking slightly panicked, “God, and you still _saved_ his ass at Midsummer!” 

“Here,” Michael said, handing Jake his joint. Their fingers brushed and he didn’t flinch for the first time. Jake took a long drag, “Yeah. Yeah, that happened.” 

“What the fuck?” Jake asked, his words coming out in a cloud of smoke. Michael frowned _he’s never going to get high if he wastes weed like that_. “Why? Why are you still friends with him?”

“He… he didn’t mean it.” Michael said, picking at his beanbag rather than looking at Jake, “We, um. We talked today and it-the Squip, it was controlling him and… he was my best friend, Jake. I’m… not really sure what’s real and what’s not real anymore, with the Squip and all, but I know that… the kid I was friends with for twelve years wouldn’t do that to me, so something must have gotten fucked up.” 

“God, why is everything so messed up?” Jake asked, “I mean, I know technology is the wave of the future and all, but I didn’t think _this_ is what my computer science class was for.” 

Michael laughed in surprise, “Same, man. So, uh, don’t be mad at Jeremy, okay? Or, be very mad at him for eating a supercomputer, but not for this.” 

Jake looked at him skeptically, “I mean, I don’t know… why are you protecting him so much? He fucked you up a _lot_.” 

That was harsh, but then again Jake was smoking pot on pain meds so Michael let it slide. 

“I’m fine!” Michael protested, “It’s all fine, dude, he’s my _best friend_ and one night can’t change that! I promise, by the end of the month we’ll be back to normal.” 

“Hmm,” Jake said, not voicing whatever doubts were obviously on his mind, “If you say so. Hey, you want to play some video games? You’ve got that console…” 

“Oh! They’re really old, you wouldn’t-” 

“I down to have my ass kicked at Donkey Kong, dude.” Jake said, ignoring him and flipping through his cartridges, “It’s just a game, no big deal.” 

“Oh, you’re on.” Michael said, grinning as Jake tried to figure out how to turn the console on. 

…

Jake fell asleep on Michael’s floor during a pause break where Michael went to grab some munchies. He looked at the sleeping teen on his floor and sighed. He couldn’t exactly kick him out, could he? 

So he flopped down on his beanbag next to him and proceeded to eat his cheetos, listening to the repetitive video game music fill the silence. He was coming down from his high and he knew his parents would be home soon, so there was no chance for him to smoke another, but having someone near him like this was putting him on edge. 

Jake looked too vulnerable in his sleep. Michael wanted to shake him awake, tell him that he needed to be on guard, that he shouldn’t trust _anyone_ enough to just _fall asleep_. Was he crazy? Did he want to get taken advantage of? 

Michael shuddered at that intrusive thought. Jake would be fine. Why wouldn’t Jake be fine? Jake could take anyone in a fight, even with his legs broken like that. He was in no danger, not like Michael… 

“Jake,” he whispered. Jake was still asleep, “Jake, I’m still scared all the time. And now I’m scared for you and Rich and… I didn’t know that there were this many things in the world that I had to be afraid of.” 

Jake shifted a little in his sleep, so Michael fell silent. The moment passed. 

“Like, I was fucking excited when Jeremy got that Squip, you know? I went with him and everything and now… God, I should have tried harder to make him _not_ get it, I just… I thought Rich was lying and…” 

He started crying, again, and just let the tears come. So what if Jake thought he was a wreck? The guy already thought he had a drug problem or something. But Jake slept on and, after a few minutes, so too did Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, I need to buy my kidney back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Michael! I, um, didn’t expect-”_   
> _“Were you talking to the Squip?” Michael asked, not moving his hand from Jeremy’s shoulder._
> 
> Things get a little better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, suddenly there's a huge influx of kudos?? Thank you??? We love you??????

Over the next week Michael forced himself to hang out with Jeremy at every opportunity. They ate lunch together, talked in passing time, and he even started giving him rides home every afternoon. 

They never hung out anymore though, and Michael spent most of his alone time either high, asleep, or with Rich and Jake. He needed that time to recharge, to regain his sanity. 

“Dude, you don’t have to force yourself to hang out with him,” Jake told Michael when they were hanging out at the mall. Rich had bailed to go grab some more breadsticks from Sbarro's, so they had some measure of privacy, “We wouldn’t judge you.” 

Michael had been complaining about how his conversations with Jeremy were stilted, how he could barely sit next to him without shaking, how he flinched at every sudden move. In retrospect, maybe talking about his feelings wasn’t such a good idea. 

“No! No, we’re gonna, um, hang out after this! I… I really still want him to be my best friend, so…” Michael trailed off, looking at his pizza crust. 

“I don’t understand, but if that’s what you want.” Jake said, before snatching Michael’s plate, eating his crust. 

“You’re a heathen.” 

“Thanks, I think.” 

… 

Michael walked into the Heere’s house for the first time in months, not bothering to knock. It would be weirder if he didn’t let himself in, best friends just let themselves in. 

The house seemed empty and Michael made his way to Jeremy’s room. There seemed to be a voice coming from inside, and the door was cracked, so it wouldn’t hurt if Michael just peeked in, to see who Jeremy was talking to. 

“He-he’ll never forgive me, and it’s your fault!” Jeremy was saying, his voice forceful and angry. Michael took a step back, his instinct to run, but Jeremy seemed to be yelling at… the air? “H-he hates me, and that’s your fault! And I don’t even blame him, I fucking hate me too, but you… you can’t justify this to me! I never wanted this! I never…” 

Michael stepped into the room, careful not to make any noise. He moved towards Jeremy, his hand outstretched as if to offer some kind of comfort, but he paused short of giving it. 

“I know I’m worthless and terrible and I ‘make you want to die’, but I can’t do that yet, _asshole_ , I haven’t fixed things with Michael yet.” Jeremy said, bringing his hand up to wipe his face. He must be crying. 

Michael set his hand on Jeremy’s shoulder. It was Jeremy’s turn to flinch, looking back at Michael in surprise. 

“Michael! I, um, didn’t expect-” 

“Were you talking to the Squip?” Michael asked, not moving his hand from Jeremy’s shoulder. 

“Uh, yeah, it doesn’t have any control over me, I swear! It’s just… Like a voice in my head that I can see sometimes. Um, Rich says it’s better when he drinks Mountain Dew Red, but I don’t… um. It’s been getting worse since…” 

“Where is it?” Michael asked, stepping closer to Jeremy so he could try to replicate the angle his friend had been at, “By your desk?” 

“Yeah, it’s sitting on my chair.” 

“Backwards? Sounds like a tool.” Michael scoffed despite the fact that he regularly sat in his own chair backwards. “What does it look like?” 

“Um. Keanu Reeves from the Matrix?” Jeremy said, his voice cracking in a question. Michael let out a startled laugh. 

“Really? Why?” 

“Uh, I hear it looks different for everyone but… I guess I had a crush on Keanu Reeves when I was a kid?” 

“Really? Keanu Reeves?” 

“Your first crush was Zac Efron in High School Musical, so I don’t think you can talk right now.” Jeremy said. Michael laughed again, it was the first joke Jeremy had said in weeks. “Shut up.” 

“What?” Michael asked. He thought they were having a moment. 

“Not you, the Squip. It… it’s being a dick.” Jeremy said, running a hand through his hair, “I probably sound insane.” 

“Well, I’ve been a little less than sane for the past few weeks too, so…” Michael trailed off, looking at the chair, “What’s it saying?” 

“You don’t want to-”

“Jeremy,” Michael locked eyes with his best friend, trying to convey how serious he was, “What’s it saying?” 

“Uh… ‘He’s just pretending to tolerate you, Jeremy. He hates you. He just thinks you’re pathetic, _he_ feels sorry for _you_ ’.” Jeremy said. His eyes looked a little far away, like they had in the bathroom. Michael shivered and took Jeremy’s hand, to reassure himself that Jeremy was normal. 

“That’s bullshit.” Michael said, his voice almost a whisper, “You know that’s bullshit. You’re my best friend, dude.” 

“He um, he’s saying ‘You hurt him so badly and he still feels bad for you? You’re a whole new kind of pathetic, Jeremy’.” A tear slipped down Jeremy’s cheek, “‘He’s enjoying this, I’m saying what he’s wanted to tell you, but never had the guts to say’.”

“That’s a fucking lie,” Michael said to the desk chair, “I don't think Jeremy is pathetic. And I’m _not_ enjoying anything from you, Squip.” 

Jeremy grimaced, obviously hearing something, but not wanting to share. 

“What did it say?” Michael demanded. 

“I don’t… It’s really bad-” 

“Tell me.” 

“‘I seem to recall differently, Mell. You seemed to enjoy a lot of things on Halloween.’” Jeremy quoted, “I’m so sorry, dude, it’s such an _asshole_.” 

Michael took a deep breath. Jeremy had to listen to this all the time? It’s words were like a blow to the heart. 

“I didn’t enjoy Halloween, I don’t think Jeremy is pathetic, and the only reason I feel bad for him is because he has to put up with _you_.” Michael said, glaring at the desk chair with more anger than he ever thought he could direct at office furniture. “I will fucking defy you at every turn. You don’t know what I think or what I want, you don’t know me at all!” 

“Michael-”

“I fucking hate you! You _ruined_ my life! I can’t even fucking sit next to my friends or see a beer bottle or fucking look at my mom’s conditioner without feeling sick!” Michael yelled, tears slipping down his face, “You’re a monster!” 

“Michael, it’s gone.” Jeremy said, squeezing their joined hands, “Sometimes… sometimes it just disappears.” 

“Oh.” Michael said, wiping his tears away with the sleeve of his hoodie, “Cool.”

They sniffled together in silence for a moment, before Michael turned to look at Jeremy. 

“You look like ass.” He said, reaching up to wipe away a tear Jeremy seemed not to have noticed. 

“I haven’t been sleeping. I’m, uh… I’m afraid that if I let my guard down it’ll make me do stuff I don’t want to do.” Jeremy admitted, “When I do sleep all I have these nightmares…”

“Yeah.” Michael agreed, familiar with the nightmares, “I generally just get high to go to sleep.” 

“Um, do you, uh… want to watch that one show? The one about the stars with Neil DeGrasse Tyson?” Jeremy asked, “You recorded a bunch when you were over last time, so there’s like this huge backlog…” 

“Yeah, that sounds great, man.” Michael said, letting go of Jeremy’s hand so that he could sit on the bed and watch some science. 

Two episodes in, Michael relaxed enough to lean on Jeremy, just so that their shoulders were touching. Normally, _before_ , he would have been all over his friend, half draped in his lap, but this… it was progress. 

…

“I just don’t get it, man. Why do you hang out with him?” Jake asked, spinning around on Michael’s desk chair. 

“We’re friends, dude.” Michael said, looking at the door with apprehension. Rich had stepped out to wait for the pizza guy, which meant he could be back at any second. 

Jake was mostly plastered when he arrived, since Rich drove them over. Michael would by lying if he said it didn’t put him on edge, but he’d been stoned so many times in front of Jake that he didn’t feel like he had room to criticize. 

Michael heard the pizza guy at the door. Jake was still talking. 

“It’s just, what he did was so _fucked up_ -”

“Jake-” 

He heard the front door close, Rich would be there any second and Michael did _not_ want him to hear that.

“He fucking _assaulted_ you at my party-”

“ _Jake_ -”

His bedroom door opened. 

“Like, how can you still want to be friends with him after that?” 

Rich came down. Michael hoped, prayed, that he hadn’t heard any of that. 

“Hey, Ri-”

“Like, he fucking raped you, dude. You need some kind of justice!” 

Dead silence. Jake spun around in the chair and stopped when he saw Rich. 

“So, um.” Rich said after a long moment, “The pizza was kind of late so they gave me a discount.” 

“Oh my god.” Michael whispered, putting his face in his hands. 

“Michael, I’m so-” Jake began, but Michael cut him off. 

“It’s… it’s fine, Jake.” Michael sighed, looking up back up at Rich who was standing there at the bottom of his stairs with a pizza box.

“It’s okay Michael, I… kinda figured it out after everything that was up.” Rich shrugged, looking puzzled over what to say next. “I mean, what the Squip says and what it does… it’s pretty fucked up. I’m sorry.”

_He figured it out? Who else might have figured it out? Does everyone know?_

Michael nodded firmly, as if he understood. “I, um… what did… did the Squip tell you to do?” He asked, not looking Rich in the eye, afraid to know his answer. 

“It made me beat people up, mostly.” Rich said, putting the pizza box down on the desk, “I said some awful stuff… man, I was really homophobic. I think… it’s kinda weird to remember, but I think I told a couple kids to kill themselves or something.”

“Jesus,” Jake said, “Why?”

“The Squip told me to. Or it took over and did it anyways. After the first few times that it took over I got used to it… sometimes if I was tired I’d just spend the day on autopilot, but… the Squip was awful whenever I left it alone like that.” Rich said. Michael looked back at him. 

Rich was looking at his hands, as if he couldn’t believe that they were his own. He’d seen Jeremy do the same thing over the weeks. Rich looked up. 

“I’m sorry I convinced him to get one, Michael.” He said. His hands were shaking. Michael couldn’t take it if Rich cried. 

He walked over and hugged him. Rich hugged back. He heard Jake get up, then felt him join in this weird group hug. It was Michael’s first non-parent hug since the incident. 

“Bro hug.” Jake whispered. Rich laughed. 

“The moment, Jake. It’s dead. You’ve killed it. With your words.” Michael said, extracting himself from the hug. 

“So who wants pizza?” Rich asked. 

…

**Defy me at every turn? That’s what he said, wasn’t?**

“Shut up…” Jeremy said, just trying to finish his assignment that was due tomorrow. The Squip was always there in quiet moments like these when he just needed to _concentrate_.

**I did what had to be done, Jeremy. Michael was a problem that needed to be dealt with in order for you to be with Christine. And after everything I had to do, you went and squandered it.**

_I didn’t squander anything. You made me hurt my best friend so I could go out with a girl. It’s fucked up. You could have done anything else to make him go away so I could “achieve my desires” or whatever- but that?_

**Jeremy I don’t think you understand. If I didn’t make Michael hate you, the inevitable would happen. And that was against your current desire to be with Christine.**

“The inevitable?” Jeremy scoffed. This was getting on his nerves. He wished he’d had some Mountain Dew Red or even some alcohol to just temporarily make it _stop_. 

_What does that even mean? What’s so inevitable that you had to make him **hate** me?_

**Jeremy. I needed all of your attention devoted to Christine. If you continued to be friends with Michael it would only distance you and Christine romantically.**

_Why? Christine doesn’t care that I’m friends with Michael…_

**She’d care that you have a crush on Michael.**

The Squip flickered lightly behind him. Jeremy could see the blue light from the corner of his eye. He didn’t turn around.

_What are you even talking about? You’re so full of shit- I don’t know why I ever listened to you in the first place!_

**You listened to me because I am right. You desired Michael and Christine but your conscious desires were for her, not him. You wanted her so I got her for you. You didn’t ask for Michael, but you can’t lie to me either, Jeremy. I’m still here in your head.**

“Go away!” Jeremy shouted, pushing up from his desk to turn and face empty air. He took a deep breath- the Squip had never been _wrong_ exactly… The more he thought about it the more it made sense. He and Michael had been best friends for years. They did everything together. He loved Michael. He’d never even noticed that he felt that way before…

He knew he was bi, he’d never exactly said it out loud and straightforward like that but… he knew it. It’d just never mattered until now. But the more and more he was thinking…

“Oh my god. He’s right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give kudos, I need them to pay for karate lessons


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“So, uh… you know how I said a lot of stuff last night…”_   
>  _“If, um… if you want me to forget about it, I will.” Jeremy said, focusing on their hands rather than Michael, “I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to take it back.”_
> 
> The boys get high rather than dealing with their feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! It's been so fun to write this fic and we're so thankful for all the lovely comments--even if some got deleted when we sperated this into two fics :( 
> 
> Enjoy the last chapter!

“I don’t understand why this is so hard for you,” Rich said, sitting on Jake’s new bed in his newly renovated house, “Michael wants to talk to Jeremy. They’re friends.” 

“But he _raped_ him-”

“ _Jeremy_ didn’t rape anyone. It was his Squip.” Rich said. His voice shook. Jake looked up at him. “It was his Squip.” 

“Yeah, but it was _Jeremy_ who took the Squip! And you’ve seen how fucked up Michael is over all of that, why should I be okay with this?” Jake all but yelled. 

“Why are you okay with me?” Rich asked, not looking at him, “If that’s how you feel, how can you deal with me?” 

“What do you mean?” Jake asked. Rich looked at him searchingly. 

“I told people to kill themselves. I made life hell for Jeremy and _Michael_. I convinced susceptible kids to sign their lives away by fucking eating Squips. I _burned down your house_.” Rich listed, his voice gaining volume with each thing he listed, “Our whole friendship is built on a fucking lie! I was never that cool!” 

“You’re a dork, I always knew that.” Jake said, reaching out to touch Rich’s hand. “You were like, the biggest dork freshman year.” 

“You saw me freshman year?” Rich asked, moving his hand so that he could lace their fingers together. His heart soared when Jake didn’t pull away. 

“Yeah. And I forgive you for everything you did.” Jake said, “It wasn’t your fault.” 

“Dude, Dustin went to the hospital for cutting himself the _day_ after I told him that ‘it’d be better if he died’. I’m just as awful as Jeremy, I just… I wasn’t put in his situation.” Rich looked off, remembering, “The Squip… you can generally get control back from it, but if it really _needs_ to control a situation… there’s no way to overpower it. At the play--from what you’ve said--I’m surprised Jeremy could hold it off as long as he did. He really must not have wanted to hurt Michael again.” 

“Hmm.” Jake said, seeming unconvinced. He was rubbing comforting circles on Rich’s hand with his thumb. Rich could have melted. 

“It’s… it’s awful seeing your body do things… hearing it _say_ things that you’d _never_...” He trailed off, focusing on Jake’s hand, “I have nightmares all the time. I can see it moving me, it’s like I’m in a first-person shooter game and some asshole is at the controls.”

“You and Michael with your video games…” Jake trailed off, “But, yeah. I think I get you.” 

“So you’re not mad at Jeremy?” Rich asked, inching closer. Jake put his arm around his waist, pulling him so that they were sitting--cuddling, really--next to each other on the bed.

“Nah. The Squip though? Fucking pissed.” Jake said, resting his head on Rich’s shoulder, “We should find a way to get it banned or something.” 

“Bro, it’s illegal. I got it from some shady guy at the back of a Payless.” 

“Huh, is that why you had those ladies running shoes? I just thought they had better arch support or something…” 

…

Michael was unsure how he got into this situation. Jeremy had called, mid-panic attack, and Michael had no idea how to deal with one of those without getting _high_ so he offered to… get Jeremy high. 

Jeremy felt bad that he didn’t have any money to go to Michael’s pot fund (despite Michael’s protests that it was fine) so he’d brought over a bottle of vodka that he took from his mom’s old supply. 

Michael was drinking despite himself, despite how he hated being drunk, despite how he was so fucking _afraid_ , because maybe if he drank enough he could ignore his fear, ignore the dread that had taken up permanent residence in his chest. 

The crossfade was setting in, his high and drunk-ness mixing and making time slow. Michael giggled, the world was so funny. He was so relaxed, more relaxed than he’d felt in _months_. 

He leaned on Jeremy, who thought the world was vastly less funny at the moment, and sighed, enjoying the closeness. He hadn’t even flinched when they touched and if that wasn’t a win, Michael didn’t know what was. 

“Michael…” Jeremy said, looking concerned. Michael just grinned back, “Are you… doing okay?” 

Michael laughed, “Yeah, Jere. I’m sooo good right now.” 

Jeremy frowned more. Michael laughed more. _Why does he have such a stick up his ass? I’m having fun._

“Where are your parents?” Jeremy asked, before taking another drag on the joint. He didn’t pass it back to Michael. _Bad stoner etiquette, I thought I taught him better_. 

“They’re off on some retreat or something.” Michael said, waving his hand, “They’re always at work lately anyways.” 

“What… what did they think happened?” Jeremy asked. Michael shrugged. 

“They thought I fell down the stairs during the fire. It’s alright, I don’t want them to know, it’d be _weird_.” Michael said, bringing the vodka bottle back up to his lips, “What does your dad think?” 

“He thinks I did some weird drug. That was the cover story for the whole cast of Midsummer, you know?”

“Yeah. So.” Michael said, putting the bottle down. He should probably stop, Jeremy was getting that disappointed look again, “Why are you panicking?” 

“I mean, I’m not panicking anymore.” Jeremy said, waving the joint like a gesture. Michael giggled and Jeremy cracked a smile. _Finally, it’s setting in,_

“But for real though.” Michael said, “What was the panic?” 

“Just the Squip saying shit,” Jeremy said, not meeting his eyes, “He talks so much shit all the time and it… it gets to me sometimes, you know?” 

“What was it saying?” Michael asked. Jeremy’s breath hitched, as if thinking about it hurt. 

“It was just, um… it was talking about Halloween.” Jeremy said, picking at Michael’s blanket on the bed. “It doesn’t matter-”

“No, it does!” Michael said, waving his hands to try to convey how much it mattered, “I… I wanted to talk to you about that, actually.” 

“What? I thought… I thought we talked about it already.” Jeremy said, obviously not wanting to talk about the events of that night again. Michael sat up fully, taking Jeremy’s shoulders in his hands to convey how serious he was. 

“Jeremy,” He said, locking eyes with him, “I’m sorry.”

“Wh-What? Why are _you_ sorry?” Jeremy stuttered. 

“You were talking about desires, right? So this never would have happened if I didn’t desire you. God, I had the biggest crush and… I’m sorry.” He said, letting remorse color his voice. Jeremy looked stricken. 

“Michael… you _never_ have to apologize for any of that. I, uh… I should be sorry. I totally had a crush on you too and… if I didn’t, then maybe the Squip never would have…” 

“What?” 

“I… the Squip said it never would have worked out, that-um, that my crush on you was just a ‘distraction’ from Christine. It, uh, wanted you to hate me so that you were out of the way. I didn’t even know I had a crush until, like, a week ago.” Jeremy laughed bitterly, “I guess I’m just fucking blind to what was in front of me…”

Michael swayed a little. He couldn’t believe it, Jeremy had liked him that whole time? And the Squip did everything it did because of it? That was seriously fucked up. What right did it have to decide who Jeremy should or shouldn’t like? 

With that in mind, Michael (in all his crossfaded glory) crashed his lips to Jeremy’s in a horrible, forceful kiss. Their lips met for one bruising moment, before Michael jerked away. 

He rested his forehead against Jeremy’s, closing his eyes tight to block out his thoughts. It was too close to what had happened before, too soon, and he was too drunk….

Michael jolted a bit when Jeremy’s hand touched his face, opening his eyes. Jeremy was so close, he looked so worried. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Jeremy asked. His voice was full of concern. 

“Yeah,” Michael whispered back, “I’m really fucked up right now, aren’t I?” 

“Yeah.” Jeremy agreed, “You want to go to bed?” 

Michael leaned in once more, placing a soft kiss on Jeremy’s lips. “Yeah. I’m… I shouldn’t be doing any of this. I’m too drunk right now.”

Jeremy climbed off the bed, pulling back the blankets and helping Michael under the covers. He stepped away and Michael reached out for his hand. 

“Where are you going?” Michael asked, not letting go. 

“I was just gonna sit here until I was sober enough to walk home.” Jeremy said. 

“Noo,” Michael whined, “You have to stay.”

“I do?” Jeremy asked, sounding almost amused. 

“Yeah. You gotta stay.” Michael mumbled, half-asleep. 

“O-okay,” Jeremy said, sitting next to the bed as Michael laced their fingers together, “I’ll stay.” 

…

Michael awoke, a headache pounding through his skull. He groaned, moving to throw his arm over his face, but his hand was stopped by something. He looked over the edge of the bed. 

There was Jeremy, asleep on the floor in what looked like a _very_ uncomfortable position, holding onto Michael’s hand. Michael gently extracted his hand so he could sit up, letting the events of the previous evening wash over him. 

_Oh man, did I really kiss Jeremy? After all that shit we went through?_ He looked down at the sleeping teen. Jeremy was frowning in his sleep, like he was having a nightmare. 

Michael reached out and ran his fingers through Jeremy’s hair, combing through his curls in the comforting way his mom used to. Jeremy immediately relaxed at his touch, snuggling deeper into into carpet. Michael let out a soft laugh. 

_How can I still be into him? After everything that happened?_

He continued to card his fingers through Jeremy’s hair, contemplating it all. He knew it wasn’t Jeremy who hurt him, knew that Jeremy was suffering just as much as he was. Why shouldn’t they be together? What was it that he said to the Squip in Jeremy’s bedroom? 

_I will fucking defy you at every turn._

He stopped petting Jeremy’s hair and reached further down to grab the other teen’s hand once more. Jeremy squeezed his hand, seeming to wake up a little from the movement. 

“Wha’s goin’ on?” He asked sleepily, looking up at Michael. Michael smiled down at him. “Michael?”

“Hey.” Michael said. Jeremy struggled to sit up without disturbing their joined hands. Michael laughed a little at the effort. 

“Hey.” Jeremy said, squeezing his hand a little for emphasis. “Did you sleep well?” 

“Yeah, you?”

“Better than I have in months, honestly.” Jeremy said with an awkward laugh. 

“Yeah, pot’ll do that to you.” Michael said, “So, uh… you know how I said a lot of stuff last night…” 

“If, um… if you want me to forget about it, I will.” Jeremy said, focusing on their hands rather than Michael, “I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to take it back.” 

“No, um… I wanted to maybe… try this out? Try being together?” Michael said, his voice raising in a question, “I mean, nothing rushed of course. We need some, um, healing time or whatever, but… I still love you, man.”

“I love you too,” Jeremy breathed, “And I want to be with you, but every time I see you I see… that night.” 

“Same.” Michael agreed, “But maybe… maybe if we work on it long enough we can forget it, you know? If we stick together we can replace those memories or whatever.” 

“I don’t know if that’ll work,” Jeremy said, “But I’m willing to try if you are.” 

Michael looked at Jeremy. His hair was messy from the way he’d been sleeping on it, but the light from the basement window was hitting it so it seemed to glow. The faraway look in his eyes was gone and that night of sleep he’d gotten had lessened the bags under his eyes. He wasn’t healed, neither of them were, but Michael would be damned if they weren’t _better_. 

“Yeah,” Michael said, bringing their hands up to his lips and pressing Jeremy’s with a soft kiss, “Yeah, I think I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, I need them so I can live out the rest of my life comfortably in a pre-paid retirement home.
> 
> (Also, if I was going to write a one-shot following this fic about Jeremy and Michael's future intimate relationship, would anyone be interested?)

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos so I can save up for my funeral.


End file.
